crabbydad - The O-Ring of Fire (6)...

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article The O-Ring of Fire (6)... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The O-Ring of Fire (6)... ... The verdict? Fuck if he knew. He said there might be a mild internal 'roid in there and he gave me two prescriptions: one for a cream and one for… suppositories. [SFX: tuba blat] Can I get a what the shit?! Someone just shoot me now. So I drive on over to Kroger to pick up my magazine of bum-bullets. Now one of the myriad shitty things about living in a small town is that the pharmacist knows every goddamn pain, rash, infection, psychological disorder and zit going on in your miserable existence. And they know your name. It's nothing like Cheers, where you go in for a beer and everyone yells, "NORM!" It's more like, you walk up to the counter and everyone yells, "HEY CRABBY! HOW'S YOUR SORE BALL SACK?" Anywhich, I dropped off the scripts and skulked on over to the magazine rack to wait until it's my turn to be publicly humiliated. And I didn't have to wait long. They called me over and said, and I shit you not: PHARMACIST: Uh, Mr. Crabby? Yeah, we have that Nupercainal ANAL OINTMENT here for you but the RECTAL SUPPOSITORIES? We don't have the exact brand that your doctor ordered so we're going to call him to see if we can substitute the RECTAL SUPPOSITORIES we have here, okay? It'll just be a few more minutes… ME: Oh, okay. ME, IN MY HEAD: One, thank you for announcing my ASSHOLE DISORDER to the entire goddamn store and B, why didn't you call the fucking doctor FIRST and see if it was okay before calling me over here and embarrassing my ass in front of every goddamn senior citizen in town to TELL me that you were about to call my doctor to ask him. And three, thanks tons for hitting the word "rectal" so fucking hard?! I sure can't wait until I get ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. Ya fuck! And then, about 15 minutes later (when the line was nice and long) they called me back up: PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Crabby? We talked to your doctor's office and they said the RECTAL SUPPOSITORIES we have here will be fine for YOU. So, if you'll look here, it's one suppository, IN YOUR RECTUM, two times a day. Mmmmkay? Do you have any questions? ME: Just one. Why do you hate me so? I grabbed the bag, weaved in and out of the line of the elderly and infirm circling me, pointing and laughing, and exited the store in a cold ass-sweat. I realized at this moment that it would have been much easier to have just gotten my asshole removed. Maybe next time. Up Next: When the Bullet Hits the Bum… • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles The O-Ring of Fire (5)... The O-Ring of Fire (4)... The O-Ring of Fire (3).... The O-Ring of Fire (2).... The O-Ring of Fire...

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crabbydad - The O-Ring of Fire (5)...

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article The O-Ring of Fire (5)... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The O-Ring of Fire (5)... ... Okay, so fast-forward a coupla weeks and I finally decide it's time to air my ass woes out to (at) my doctor. Poor guy. So I head over there under the guise of getting a prescription refilled and then at the last minute, after some good-natured chit-chat, I spring on him, "Oh… and I've been having some itching going on in the rear-end area [circular hand gesture] that I thought I should maybe mention." His smile fades and he gets that look that you get when you realize you've just stepped in some dog shit and you're going to have to spend the next 20 minutes sitting on the front porch, picking it out of your waffle soles with a stick. So he reluctantly gloves up, lubes his finger and tells me to roll on my side and grab my ankles. At least that's what I think he said. It all happened so fast. Luckily, he's a wee man and, thankfully, sports a wee forefinger, to boot. He pokes his mini-digit in there, twists it around, says everything "feels normal" and then, like Little Jack Horner, withdraws said digit… sans plum, thank god. Just as I was about to roll back over and retrieve my pants (and my dignity), he inserts something that felt like… well, I'm pretty sure he rammed an inverted orange traffic cone up my fanny. Apparently, he needed to "open the aperture" a bit to take a little lookie-loo. Holy fuckstain, the dude could've walked in there at that point! It's a good thing I didn't blow one while that thing was in there 'cuz the whole town would've high-tailed it to their basements, thinking the air raid sirens were going off. Eventually he withdrew the cone and my poor sphincter slammed shut like snapping turtle's jaws on an unsuspecting wader's pinkie toe. My poor, poor sphincter. Next up: The Verdict... • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles The O-Ring of Fire (4)... The O-Ring of Fire (3).... The O-Ring of Fire (2).... The O-Ring of Fire... Crappy New Year...

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crabbydad - The O-Ring of Fire (4)...

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article The O-Ring of Fire (4)... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The O-Ring of Fire (4)... ... Now, while my third theory is the most ridiculous and improbable, it is, of course, the one that freaks me out the most. What if I have some sort of killer anus disease. It could happen. Farrah Fawcett Majors had anus cancer and I'm sure her asshole was WAY cleaner than mine could ever dream of being. That would seriously suck. The high point of my pitiful day is my 9:37 AM daily dumpage. And the late afternoon dumpage. And the occasional late-night dumpage. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had to have my asshole removed. And I can't imagine that filling up one of those colostomy bags could ever be as satisfying as pinching one's loaf the old-fashioned way. Frankly, having one of those bags has always been my worst fucking nightmare. Although… it would pretty much cut the bathroom trips out of my schedule -- that's a good couple of hours I'd get back per day. The things I could do with two extra hours a day. Maybe I won't write off anus-disease quite yet... • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles The O-Ring of Fire (3).... The O-Ring of Fire (2).... The O-Ring of Fire... Crappy New Year... What to Do...

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crabbydad - The O-Ring of Fire (3)....

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article The O-Ring of Fire (3).... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The O-Ring of Fire (3).... ... My second theory is that my oh-so-delicate "escape hatch" has become sensitized to the Cottonelle Moist Wipes I use on a daily basis. As you may or may not know, a couple of years ago, I pretty much ditched traditional toilet paper for the miracle that is the "moist wipe." (And you're welcome for that news flush.) Cleaning up with those babies is akin to having the tongue of god lick your ass clean… I'd imagine. But lately, it's been starting to sting a little when I swipe one of those fuckers down there and I'm beginning to think that maybe my anal immune system is rebelling agin' the perfumes, chemicals and unguents infused in said wipes. (My ass has always been a bit of a rebel.) Of course, installing a bidet would probably remedy the situation but that would cost a butt-load and there is really no extra space for a French ass sink in our tiny bathroom. No, the quickest solution to this problem would be to sit in a vat of peanut butter and have the dog lick my ass clean. I mean, he already loves licking his own ass and he fucking loves the taste of peanut butter... and shit. Frankly, it would be a win-win-win for him. But there is that slim chance that I'd be caught. Hmm... that'd be a tough one to explain away… • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles The O-Ring of Fire (2).... The O-Ring of Fire... Crappy New Year... What to Do... Better Than Ghosts!

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crabbydad - The O-Ring of Fire (2)....

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article The O-Ring of Fire (2).... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The O-Ring of Fire (2).... ... I did have my theories, of course. My first theory was the most logical – my bung-o-flames was being caused by the piece-o-carp, leatherette office chair I plop my skinny ass in for ten hours every goddamn day. As the day wears on, the ol' crackerino transforms into an Arizona sweat lodge. It's like a wood-burning pizza oven down there – I swear, if I jammed a pinch of sourdough starter up my shitter each morning, I'd have a steamy loaf by lunchtime… San Francisco style. And the rubbery/silicone-y seat cushion thing I bought to better distribute the pressure on my bony-ass assbones probably isn't helping matters, either. I might as well be sporting rubber baby pants all day. I'm surprised I don't have lichen growing on my taint. What I really need is one of those Aeron chairs with the mesh seat so I can properly "Aeron" my crackhole out. Damn, if only I hadn't spent that last thousand dollars on food, clothes for the spawnage, the mortgage and that Take 5 bar... • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles The O-Ring of Fire... Crappy New Year... What to Do... Better Than Ghosts! Taking a Pill... The Hard Way...

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crabbydad - The O-Ring of Fire...

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article The O-Ring of Fire... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The O-Ring of Fire... It was the itch that woke me up. That relentless, sweaty, crawling-with-panko-caked-baby-spiders itch that made me wish I could just rip my skin off and jump into a vat of Greek yogurt. For two weeks I had been awakened this way. Where the itching came from, why it was happening now, how the fuck I could get rid of it… I had no answers. All I could do was lie there, wondering if anyone had ever gone clinically insane from an itchy asshole... • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles Crappy New Year... What to Do... Better Than Ghosts! Taking a Pill... The Hard Way... Crabbydoc I'm Not...

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crabbydad - Crappy New Year...

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com "crabbydad" - 1 new article Crappy New Year... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad Crappy New Year... Let's see if I can fire this ol' bad boy back up for 2010. I'll get things off with a rousing start with Mr. Z's doodle of a urinating hermaphrodite turd. Have a great year, everybody! • Email to a friend • Related • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles What to Do... Better Than Ghosts! Taking a Pill... The Hard Way... Crabbydoc I'm Not... The Score, Thus Far...

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