crabbydad - How Do You Work This Thing?

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com   "crabbydad" - 1 new article How Do You Work This Thing? More Recent Articles Search crabbydad How Do You Work This Thing? Where was I? Oh, right, the skin tag. Well, that fucking meat-ball withstood the dental floss noose and, if anything, has grown even stronger and fleshier. I've temporarily given up trying to remove myself from it, basically out of respect. Not only do I think that rubbery nub is sentient, I'm getting the feeling that it's way more intelligent than I am. Another couple of weeks and I'm not going to even be able to rest my arm at my side -- it'll just be perched atop the beanbag chair-sized nevus jutting out of my armpit. Frankly, I'm not that bothered by it anymore. It's kind of like having a new friend... or A friend. It's pretty lonely here toiling away in the basement. Now at least I have a co-worker. (Unfortunately, he smokes.) So, yeah, I haven't written anything in a while. I think I started feeling like I had nothing left to say. I mean, how many times can you bitch about your kids or their schools or your health or having an itchy asshole... or poop? Hopefully a lot more, because that's all I fucking know. So, I'm going to try to fire this mofo back up and see what happens. Do people even blog today, though? Is Blogger even a thing anymore? Aren't people now just Tumblring their Pinterest onto their BleepBlorp? I should probably just attend to my neglected Twitter account but encapsulating a thought into two sentences is way the fuck harder for me than blathering on for 10 paragraphs about how long my last shit was (like a fucking didgeridoo...doo). So, yeah, we'll see if I can tear my skinny ass off the Tee-Vee watchin' couch at the end of the day, stumble back down here to this radon-soaked tomb and shit out some drivel about my meaningless existence. Sounds fun! • Email to a friend • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles And Now We Wait... The Hangman's Noose Tag! You're It! The Comeback Kid... A Dear Gym Letter...

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crabbydad - And Now We Wait...

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com   "crabbydad" - 1 new article And Now We Wait... More Recent Articles Search crabbydad And Now We Wait... The deed is done. I have successfully tied the dental floss noose round my armpitty intruder. Mind you, it wasn't fucking easy. You try lassoing a meaty nubbin' with one hand. It was like like attempting to extract a greased Vienna sausage from a tub of tapioca with your toes. Which I have tried, and it's not as easy, or delicious, as it sounds. Anywhich, now the waiting game is on. I'm kind of afraid to look at it -- I kept catching a glimpse of it when I was getting dressed this morning and it kinda looked furious... like this: If you don't hear from me in a few days, call the authorities... and a good exterminator.   • Email to a friend • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles The Hangman's Noose Tag! You're It! The Comeback Kid... A Dear Gym Letter... Turning over a New Leash...

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crabbydad - The Hangman's Noose

 

Here are the latest updates for dadgregator@gmail.com   "crabbydad" - 1 new article The Hangman's Noose More Recent Articles Search crabbydad The Hangman's Noose So, today is supposed to be the day... the day I tie off my unborn twin. I was ready to do it this morning, actually -- I showered, making sure to lather the ol' skin tag up and loofah-ing it to a high shine. But I haven't been able to pull the trigger yet. Why? Maybe I've grown too attached to it. [beat] I don't know... maybe I'm starting to feel sorry for it. All the good times we've had together. Murder's not as easy as you'd think. Here's the "conversation" I had with "Ol' Flappy" while toweling off... ME: So, here we are... SKIN TAG: Yep. Here we--hey, what are you doing with that floss in your hand? ME: Oh this? Uh... nothing. You just go back to what you were doing... SKIN TAG: You weren't going to fashion a mini noose out of that and try to tighten it around my meaty stalk, were you? ME: What?! A noose?! That's crazy! Why would I do that? SKIN TAG: Oh, I don't know. You sure have been paying a lot of attention to me, lately. Flicking me, prodding me with pencil erasers, measuring me... ME: Oh, don't mind that. You're just fun to play with. SKIN TAG: Good. 'Cuz you don't wanna fuck with a skin tag. You fuck with me and, next thing you know, I'm getting all dark-colored and my borders are getting all irregular and shit. You hear what I'm saying? ME: [silence] SKIN TAG: PUT DOWN THAT NAIL CLIPPER, MOTHERFUCKER!!! I'm thinking tonight's the night. I'll attack while it's sleeping. Unless it attacks first...   • Email to a friend • View comments • Track comments • More Recent Articles Tag! You're It! The Comeback Kid... A Dear Gym Letter... Turning over a New Leash... Lo, I Have Smelled The Face of Death...

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